A newsletter about the Lion/Unicorn theory of relationships developed by Mark Waller

Issue #3, Oct. 10th

The Purpose of Relationships

Eckhart Tolle, in his best selling book on enlightenment entitled The Power of Now, makes a bold statement. He says that we need to accept that relationships exist to make us conscious, not happy. This comes to mind because the other day I was speaking to a group about The Dance of the Lion and the Unicorn. When I pointed out that we are invariably attracted to a person of the opposite type, someone asked quite logically was the goal then for Lions to marry Lions and visa versa. I replied that the goal was to have a conscious relationship instead of an unconscious one. The roles of Lions and Unicorns are unconscious patterns that are like programs that are constantly running just below the surface of our awareness. These two programs are like those anti-virus programs that run in the background. But in the case of Lions and Unicorns, the background programs serve to constantly infect our thoughts, perceptions and feelings with an unseen virus that gives us a distorted picture of the world.. This would not be bad enough except that is drives defensive behavior which is always seen as an attack by our partners.

As we become more aware of our unconscious patterns, we have the opportunity to create awareness in our partner by not engaging in the Dance. Awareness and unconsciousness cannot co-exist for very long. Staying in awareness creates a new space in the relationship for our partner to enter into awareness with us. Refusing to engage in the Dance dramatically changes the dynamics and our partners immediately sense this. We can also pray that they will do the same for us.

This brings up another point that is the real key as to why relationships can be such a powerful opportunity for spiritual practice. When we react to our partner, which means we are now in the Dance, we go unconscious. The Dance of the Lion and the Unicorn offers us a roadmap to recapture awareness and move back into the present moment. More than that, however, it is an explicit pointer to what trips us up and how the ego-mind works to accomplish this. Now we can become more vigilant and watch the patterns of the mind more carefully. The seeing of the pattern in action as it rises up in awareness is the greatest transformational experience. For we have made the unconscious conscious and in doing so we are released from the pattern. This then is the value of a relationship. Without a partner there might not be a trigger, and without a trigger we might never be plunged into our own darkness over and over until we looked into the mirror of our own reactions.

So the goal is to become conscious, to discover ourselves as that Awareness that is watching the unfolding of the Dance. The goal is not to become a better Lion or a better Unicorn. These animals must transform and the Dance can be the catalyst for the transformation.

At this point the mind always wants to know, "what am I supposed to do?"

This is the irony. The watching, the awareness itself is the transformation. There is nothing to do.

Mark Waller Ph.D. LMFT

No pain, no gain!

I am discovering that a few  readers of The Dance of the Lion and the Unicorn are unable to finish the book. Since it is a book about emotional pain some realize they might feel their pain as they read the book. They close the cover and put it down.

I'll admit it is a powerful book. Even readers who loved it have burst into tears reading the preface!

The problem is that when we refuse our feelings they tend to ooze out around every crack and crevice in our lives. Soon pain dominates even though we think we are pain free. We are in denial, and we tell ourselves stories to explain it all.

Over the weekend I had to attend a funeral. An acquaintance wanted to make sure that there was plenty of tissue handy since she had an unusual allergy to funeral flowers. She actually believed her tears were from pollen rather than grief.

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