A newsletter about the Lion/Unicorn theory of relationships developed by Mark Waller

Issue #10, May 5th 06

The Meditation Temptation

Those of you familiar with the Lion and the Unicorn models know that the Unicorn's defense of choice is some type of avoidance. They are trying to avoid an anticipated conflict. Another word for avoidance is escape. This is the ultimate in passive defense. So many Unicorns come into my office in the midst of a difficult relationship and express the desire to live alone. Though they don't express it, they are really saying they want the uncomfortable feeling of being close to someone to go away.

This reminds me of a book by Jack Kornfield called "A Path with Heart." In the front of the book, he describes his years of meditation and other mindfulness practice in India, Sri Lanka, and Tibet. When he returned to the US the first thing he learned was that meditation had not prepared him for a relationship. He found he was still emotionally immature. He regressed to patterns of acting out, blaming and defending that had been prevalent before his Buddhist training. "I had used the strength of my mind in meditation to suppress painful feelings, and all too often didn't recognize that I was angry, sad, grieving, or frustrated until a long time later."

This then is the Unicorn's temptation - to turn spiritual practice into a form of escape. This results in a meditative practice where the person is stuck in the mind and does not enter into awareness, and therefore never sees their true motives. This is especially dangerous for Unicorns since the isolation and escape of this type of practice appeals to their defensive style. Obviously, Lions can fall into this temptation also, but it is Taylor Made for Unicorns. This is also one of the pitfalls of mediation and other contemplative practices. You cannot practice your way out of the mind.

A Unicorn's description of themselves and their practice is often riddled with the underlying agenda to get away from feelings, people, and the chaos of their own minds. They use words and phrases like "harmony,"" peace," "calm," and "can't we just all get along." It sounds like a reasonable philosophy, but in reality it is an expression of their defensive stance.

There is only one way out of the mind whether we are Lions or Unicorns. The mind must be watched until it knows we see through it. The seeing is the transformation. We humans need something to do or we feel useless. But doing does not move us closer to Self it merely strengthens self with a small "s." Transformation cannot be accomplished. It is a paradigm shift that comes from new awareness.

The Lion and Unicorn model is a road map for bringing awareness and understanding to our relationships. In a very real way, "seeing" is a work of the heart not of the head.

Mark Waller Ph.D. LMFT

If we were not enlightened in any sense whatsoever there would be no inner impetus for the journey, for we would be entirely unaware that there was any journey to make. If we were entirely enlightened there would be no journey yet to make, for we would be entirely at home in the full awareness of the godly nature of the present moment.

James Finley

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