A newsletter about the Lion/Unicorn theory of relationships developed by Mark Waller

Issue #11, June 15th 06

The Trouble with Lions

Last month I took a look at how Unicorns can succumb to wrapping their defensive structure around meditation and spiritual practice. This month it is time to turn the spotlight on Lions. The trouble with Lions is that often times they are so full of shame and feelings of inferiority you can’t even talk to them. I have had countless clients whose Lion spouses won’t come into see me because they automatically assume they will be shamed or made wrong. They are so steeped in blame and their angry defenses that they cannot conceive anyone could ever be on their side.

I recently finished a book where I write that Unicorns are like wolves in sheep’s clothing. This is not a problem for Lions since they are busy killing the sheep! The pain that Lion’s carry is so big and the rage that defends it is also so big, that many times they are unreachable.

Part of their defensive structure is to come on with enormous arrogance. In order to protect their feelings of inferiority they have to put everyone else down. No one knows anything. No one can help them. Everyone else is incompetent, a jerk, out for themselves. The bottom line is this all translates to nobody cares about me. But instead of getting in touch with this pain, they just lash out at everyone.

I have had many Lions come into my office with their partners. I have had many jump up and storm out after I said nothing more than “hello.” Any reaction or acknowledgement of a problem of any kind is so shaming that they cannot tolerate even staying in the room. The more damaged the Lion, the sooner they jump up and leave. It doesn’t matter what you say to them, they take it the wrong way. And of course everything is personal!

This all plays right into the hands of their Unicorn partners who can easily point to them and say, “See, they are the crazy one.” Lions must keep attacking everything and everyone in direct proportion to their pain in order not to feel it. At the extreme end of the spectrum they can be violent and destructive. At the short end of the spectrum they are just mildly abusive.

As crazy as this all seems, it is really a crying out in pain. As much as they seem to push others away, they really want closeness. It does seem crazy to use anger to get an emotional connection, but Lions are desperate for it. Your Lion may seem to be nothing more than a loud, pompous ass at times, but underneath they want to be held, nurtured, and appreciated. Give them a little love and their anger will deflate and they will purr like a pussy cat in just a few seconds.

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